


S is for Spider-Man

by hollyharley



Series: Holly's Febuwhump 2021 [2]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Happy Ending, Irondad, Other, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, author venting in fanfic form
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:10:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28586988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollyharley/pseuds/hollyharley
Summary: Peter doesn’t want to be alive anymore.Tony rushes to him before it's too late.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Holly's Febuwhump 2021 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2144889
Comments: 13
Kudos: 109





	S is for Spider-Man

**Author's Note:**

> content warning: suicidality, suicide attempt discussion, past CSA
> 
> Febuwhump Prompt #2: "I can't take it anymore."

Peter didn't want to be alive anymore.

It was as simple as that. He didn't want to wake up. He didn't want to go to school. He didn't want to patrol, or talk, or walk, or cry anymore. He wanted to go to sleep. He was really, _really_ tired.

If Hell was real, would he meet Skip there?

He didn’t care. 

The thing is, it’s hard to kill yourself, at least the way he wanted it done. He needed three things:

1\. For no one to see him do it, or at least, not a lot of people. He didn’t want some kid to see him die and be scarred for life. The death of his Ben always loomed over him, so he didn’t dare chance doing that to someone else. Even if it was just a stranger.

2\. For it to work. He needed to calculate exactly how it would happen or everyone would end up finding out, and that was out of the question. After everything he had done, after everything he had let happen, he couldn’t let anyone find him like this too. Better to let them realize they were better off without him after his death.  
  


3\. For Aunt May to not be the one to find him. He knew what he was doing was incredibly selfish. Ben was dead, meaning Peter was the only one left. Without him, May would be alone. Peter hoped Happy would take care of her.   
  


Once he got those three things down, he was ready.

Peter planned to kill himself a week after Skip died.

Aunt May had come into his room, tearful, when she found out. Skip's mom and her were still Facebook friends, and when she found out he had gotten in a car accident, she had gotten Peter to sit down before she told him the news.

_“I’m so sorry, Peter. I know you two were close before he went to college.”_

Peter never told her what had happened; after Skip had told him over and over he had wanted it, he started to believe it. 

It didn't matter, anyways. To tell May now would make her feel so guilty... at least, that was his excuse. To be honest, he didn't want to tell anyone because he was ashamed. _He_ let it happen. _He_ let Skip continue to be his friend. ~~He didn't want it.~~ He wanted it.

Sometimes he got angry at May and Ben. Why had they let a 17 year old be his friend, no matter how friendly he was? It was a miracle he had gone away for college. How many more times would it have happened if Skip hadn't left? The year he was here was a nightmare for Peter. Once it started, it didn't stop until moving day, and every time, Skip would whisper in his ear, _You wanted it. If you didn't want it, you would tell your Aunt and Uncle... except if they find out you're a faggot, they'll hate you. They'll be disgusted._

Because of this, when he could go home, he would smile. When May asked him how the sleepover went, he would say "Great!" He didn't stop her from asking Skip to sleepover when her and Ben went on trips. He didn't stop her from dropping him off at the Westcott apartment. He didn't scream.

He was the only person to blame.

\---

He didn't want to die in Queens: the entire borough reminded him way too much of Skip, and since that fucking _asshole_ was in his head even from the afterlife, Peter really didn't want to be in the same place Skip had hurt him too.

He chose to go to Manhattan. It was a place that had been kind to him. It had been home to the old avengers tower and the old facility, both places that he had always held dear. There was the convention center where he had first met Tony Stark and where he had gone to comic-con with Ned so many times. There was Central Park, where Ben would take him and they would walk for hours, getting overpriced food from vendors and Ben would tell him stories of his time in the service. It was where where he had seen his one and only Broadway show _(Lion King!_ _)_ with Tony, Morgan, and Pepper. And how could he forget the Met? where he had his first real date with MJ. Where they had kissed on the front steps in front of all the tourists without any shame.

It was a beautiful borough to Peter. Full of happy memories. This was the place he wanted to lay himself down to eternal rest.

It had taken a lot of thought on how to do it. It wasn't as easy as the movies made it seem, though anyone could Google the facts up. He concluded that there was no way he could go anywhere without someone else there- not in New York City, so he decided he would go late at night so there would be less people to 1) bother him and 2) see it happen. He didn't have a gun to shoot himself with, nor did he have access to a deadly poison... so he decided to jump.

This is how he ended up sitting on top of the ledge of an abandoned eight story building in the Upper East Side. It was past 11PM, but he was going to wait a little longer- to say his goodbyes, and to make sure the street was empty.

It was a Wednesday. Peter couldn't believe Skip had died on a Wednesday morning. It felt too insignificant for someone like Skip. Skip wasn't someone who died. Skip was the person whose phantom touch he felt on his body while trying to do homework. Skip was the person whose voice whispered horrible things in his ear when he tried to sleep. Skip was the person who was less of a person and more of Ghost. Or a God. Someone immortal, who latched onto Peter's brain and never let go.

All he wanted was for Skip to go away. And when Skip's death hadn't done that, Peter knew it was over.

The first person he texted was Ned. He wanted to say bye, but he want to raise alarm. His message had to be carefully crafted.

 _Ned. ILY man. See you tomorrow._ He felt a twinge of guilt, but he promised himself his friend's ignorance was worth it.

Ned texted back quickly. It was a gif of R2-D2 with a heart around him. Peter swiped out of the conversation before it could make him cry.

Next was MJ. _I love you, M,_ he texted, _I'm so lucky to have you._

Fuck. That was suspicious. And of course this was the one time MJ had her phone with her. His phone chimed. _Love you too._ _You okay?_

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _Yeah,_ he answered. _Rough night on patrol._ When he was gone, she would know the real reason he texted tonight. The image of MJ wearing black, holding hands with Ned, burst into Peter's mind, and it made him break. His shoulders shook as tears dropped onto the screen. He wasn't even able to keep it quiet; his cries echoed into the empty street. _I hate you, Skip._

_Why did you have to hurt me?_

_I don't want to do this._

_I have to do this. Calm down, Parker. Stop crying._

A cool nothingness washed over him, and he wiped his eyes. It was almost time. May. May was next. He had told her he was sleeping over at Ned's for a project, so his text wouldn't seem out of the ordinary. _I love you, May. Good night._ She didn't respond. She was probably asleep already. When she woke up, he would be gone.

It was midnight. It was time.

He put his phone down on the ledge, and for the first time, let himself really look down. The street was miraculously empty. A single street lamp dimly lit the ground. This was where he would die. His plan was to jump head first, so he would hit the ground without a chance of getting up. How long would his body be there before someone noticed?

The first time Skip raped him was at the Westcott apartment. His mom wasn't home- she took a gravenight shift- leaving the two alone. Skip showed him some magazines which made him uncomfortable. Skip told him he wanted to play a game, and Peter was too scared to move and too scared to breathe; he was so so so scared when Skip touched him. When Skip made him...

Now, he wasn't just scared of Skip. He was scared of what May and Ben would think. Scared of his body. Scared of the world. He was scared of what would happen when MJ wanted to go beyond kissing. He was scared of waking up each morning with the memories still fresh on his mind. He was scared of everyone knowing about what Skip had done.

Why hadn't he told anyone? Why hadn't he told Skip no? Why? Why? Why?

He pretended to be strong. He pretended to be a superhero, to be _Spider-Man,_ when all he was was a failure. He had tricked everyone into thinking he was worthy, even the Avengers. Even-

Mr Stark. He didn't tell him goodbye. How could he? He had been over this in his planning. Telling Tony anything would be way too suspicious. He never texted Mr. Stark "I love you" out of the blue.

But... he couldn't help himself. Mr. Stark deserved one last goodbye. He picked up his phone and quickly texted his mentor. _Thank you for caring about me._

There. He set the phone down and stood. He was eight stories up, and to avoid sticking to the wall, he would have to jump far. All he had to was jump.

Jump.

_Do it, Einstein._

Jump.

_You liked it._

Jump.

Jump.

His phone started to ring. He glanced at it. It was Tony. He let it ring and ring and ring, until it finally stopped. It was silent now. No distractions, nothing to stop him. Why wasn't he jumping? _Einstein. Good boy._ His phone was ringing again. He wanted this to stop. He wanted all of it to stop.

Despite all of his mind screaming at him not to, he picked up the phone.

"Kid?" Peter could hear Tony flying through the air. Was he headed here?

"Kid?" Tony repeated. Peter could hear the desperation in his voice. Why had he picked up the phone? God, why had he texted Tony at all? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Stark." Peter sniffed. He was crying again. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I promise it's okay, kid. I'm coming to you now. Can you talk with me for a few minutes?"

Peter didn't want to. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. "Kid? Please answer me." Why had he bothered Mr. Stark with this? He wasn't worth it. 

"I can't take it anymore," he whispered. It was a confession. He wasn't the Peter everyone thought he was He wasn't the person kids could look up to. S wasn't for superhero. S was for Skip.

S was for suicide.

"I'm tired."

"Kid-" Tony's voice cracked. "Kid, please. I love you. We all do."

"Mr. Stark, I'm not- he hurt me." Peter collapsed onto the ledge. "He _hurt_ me."

"I'm so sorry, kid. I promise you're never going to be hurt again. I promise. Please wait for me, okay?"

"He's hurting me every day."

Peter put down the phone and ignored Tony's yells coming from it. He just needed to fall. He didn't think he'd have the will to stick onto the walls anyways. He just had to... fall down

down

down

He could see Tony flying towards him in the distance, still a speck of red in the dark horizon.

All he had to do was fall down.

Yet.

Peter remembered MJ's smile. Ned's laugh. May's hugs. Tony's voice.

Morgan's infectious giggles. Ben, holding his hand at his parents' funeral. The team surrounding him after winning the decathlon championship for a second time. The sun rising while he was still on patrol. It was beautiful.

Skip was dead, but Peter wasn't.

So he waited on the ledge. When Tony got there, Peter looked up at him and said, "I don't want to die."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Am I going to ask for comments here? .... no. Do I want to? Yes 😭


End file.
